Journaling - The Best Self-Help Book
Before we get started. Just stop for a moment. Take a deep breath. And put your attention towards yourself and listen.
Take notice of the stream of thought that runs through you. You don’t have to go very far. We’re just looking at the surface of it. This river of thought carries all of your stories and imaginations about who you are and how you’re experiencing your world. Have you ever asked yourself, where did they come from? Why are they there? How do they serve you? Do you trust them? Or are they true?
For most of us, we’ve bought into our unconscious thought as if they're true. They feel so normal or natural for us. Why do your thoughts behave the way they do? Are they true? How do we know they’re true? And were they always that way?
For me, there are three fundamental skills that lead to personal transformation and spiritual awakening; skepticism, discernment, and wonder. I’ll go into these in more detail in future posts. For now, in practicing these skills of deep self-inquiry you gain access to new insights and resources you never thought you had. Which in turn opens you to fresh perspectives and choices when rewriting the stories you tell yourself.
My Perfect Storm
At the time, I was juggling a lot of balls in the air. I was busy running a small agency, being a father to two young children, with a full family and social life, and recently married to my second wife. Life wasn’t perfect but for the time it was good enough.
Then the Great Recession hit. The business started to fall apart as clients were reducing their spending. I had to layoff staff and part ways with my business partners and start looking for a job. My father had unexpectedly died of cancer and as a consequence, my mother fell into a deep depression after losing her husband of nearly 40 years. His death also caused a rupture within our family structure which included ending a tumultuous relationship with my sister and filing for divorce, again. Embarrassed and grief-stricken I became reclusive, clinging onto my relationship with my children for sanity.
My life at that moment felt frayed, to say the least. I felt like I had lost my way and sense of purpose. It wasn’t easy for me to admit I needed help, so leaning on friends or family wasn’t the first option on my mind.
It wasn’t until my 40th birthday I decided to seek professional help from a counselor friend of mine. She was able to help me process the stories of grief and hurt I was experiencing. She also pointed to other older stories in my past that required some deeper reflection and inquiry. She did a fantastic job of holding space for me to see the array of emotions, stories, and lies I’ve been living with.
My Journal Saved My Life
As part of our work together, she suggested I that take up journaling. I have never done anything like that before. I willingly agreed. Her rules were simple. Every day write a minimum of 3 pages. Everything else was up to me. That had to be the best therapeutic advice I’ve ever received.
In these journals, I was able to process my anger, grief, and regrets. I was able to express my frustrations with myself, with people and situations in my life, and without hurting anyone. Most evenings it was me, my notebook, and my trusted Pentel ballpoint. The black Sharpie came out when I needed something much stronger.
I found myself going through pages and pages in a single evening. I would write until my hand would cramp or when my soul felt clear or exhausted. Many times all of the above.
Over time I noticed the nature of my writing started to change. It became less about venting these hard stories of judgment, failure, grief and what began to emerge were questions about how I got here. Real honest questions. Inquiries about my childhood, adolescence, and the various relationships I’ve had - both romantic and others. What impact my race and culture had on me and the way people saw me. I started to remember so many stories that shaped my life and way of being. Not from a place of shame but rather a deep curiosity and wonder.
The deeper my inquiry went, the more I practiced skepticism, discernment, and wonder, the bigger my thoughts, and questions became. And I was able to see some of the stories I was carrying for so long as different from what’s true.
Who am I becoming? What does it mean to have a purpose? What does being in a relationship truly look like? What beliefs do I have about women or being a man? What’s possible from here? What’s my next big idea or adventure?
Then my imagination started to flourish into new realms of possibilities - in work, in relationships, and within myself.
We have so many thoughts that clutter our minds. They constantly churn with no clear beginning or end or direction. And we live accepting them as normal, ignoring what they are trying to say. Until we allow ourselves to see them for what they are and see the intelligence they hold.
The Best Self-Help Book - EVER…
There are many ways to journal but here is my best advice to start.
1 Buy yourself a journal - I mean a paper journal and a good quality pen. Sometimes I’ve used colored markers and highlighters for creative effect. Some of my clients have used paints and colored pencils as well. This is your journal - you have full permission to be fully expressed.
Two things I would avoid. First, do not use your computer, tablet, or an app on your phone. There’s something divinely human about holding a pen to paper. Writing a journal is a felt experience. A somatic experience. It can be very intimate and vulnerable that’s hard to imitate using technology.
Second, avoid journals with templates. I’ve never been able to fully express my gratitude for something in the little lines they give you in some of those 5-minute journals. Journalling needs space. Deep self-inquiry shouldn’t be treated as a to-do list item or be overly concerned with it being done perfectly or efficiently. It’s like speaking with your best friend. Journalling isn’t about efficiency or getting something done - it’s about learning who you are. This kind of learning requires time and space.
2 Make it a ritual - Journalling requires a quiet space to allow you to go into deep self-inquiry. If you follow the Artist’s Way (recommended reading) Julia Cameron suggests "morning pages" as the best approach. Something you would do before anything else. The mind is fresh and open. When you do it is really a personal preference. Sometimes I journal just after I do yoga and mediation, which puts me in a reflective mood. And remember to write at least 3 pages a day.
3 Ask yourself lots of questions - If you’re new to journaling, it may be good to start with a few basic journal exercises, like a check-in or a reflection on your day. Where are you at this moment? What transpired in the day? What has your attention? What are you grateful for? There are no limits to what you can or should journal about. It’s entirely what you need at the moment.
Having some questions or prompts on standby is a great way to get started. But we can also find ourselves stuck in routine thinking and not learning. Deeper inquiry requires some agility and being with the moment. For instance, if you’re going through a rough patch and are experiencing some challenging thoughts or emotions, let that dictate your journaling. Or if you’re feeling inspired, moved and creative then explore that in your journalling.
If you follow my blog, I’ll be regularly posting journaling exercises, prompts, and questions to help you along your journey.
And enjoy the experience. Journalling as to be the best self-help book ever.